Artspace readership, it’s officially spooky season, and you know what that means...
Revelry and devilry in equal turns, of course! As a mostly human woman with a witch tattoo and a penchant for hexing the men who have scorned me, I’m especially enamored of this pumpkin-ward turn towards all things occult and unsavory, especially since the sun’s revolution through Scorpio is hot on our heels—here’s to freaks in the streets and the sheets, kids. In celebration, I’ve decided to fuse my woo-woo tendencies with some pendantic nerdiness and arbitrarily match each zodiac sign with my devil-monster of choice from the Compendium rarissimum totius Artis Magicae sistematisatae per celeberrimos Artis hujus Magistros, a totally bizarre book on the occult from 1775 that is available in its entirety at the Wellcome Library, should you want to fully surrender to the timbre of your dumbest nightmares. The Compendium, emblazoned with the words NOLI ME TANGERE (do not touch), appears to be a last-ditch attempt by various Christian authors to frighten the citizenry out of sin, boasting 31 watercolor plates that depict demon servants of Greco-Roman, Phoenician, Biblical, and Satanic origin. There's a lot happening here, guys—the book claims to have been written in 1075, which isn't true; it was produced forty years after witchcraft ceased to be a criminal offense in Europe and twenty five years after the last witch trial in Austria, so there's no real cultural reason for it to exist; the text is scrawled in a weird mixture of German and Latin... suffice it to say, I love it more than I love oxygen, tacos, or free money. Too late in the game to be a true grimoire, too early to justify it's own weirdness, could this be the very first evidence of trolling? I certainly hope so.
So, which totally nonsensical oversexualized gouache chimera represents you? Read below to find out!
ARIES (March 21 - April 19):
Impulsive? Fiery? Plagued by a surplus of winged uterine snakes? Then you must be ram-inflected Wamidal, who should see a gynecologist immediately.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):
Bull babies love the finer things in life, and this charming lady, whose nomenclature includes the word "enormous" in German, sports leopard-print cape for the ages; a lewk, if you will. I hope she and her three sagging teats are having a wonderful Thursday.
GEMINI (May 20 - June 20):
Charming, fun, and occasionally a little two-faced, I can't imagine a closer visual analogy to the Gemini ethos than a shrieking naked screaming Furie from Hell enjoying cunnilingus from a serpent while she prances through the country-side with a replica of her own severed head dripping aloft. Who does her hair, I wonder? Pretty sure this is where Alessandro Michele got his inspo for Gucci's AW18 runway show at Milan Fashion Week.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22):
Sigh. #Mood, am I right?
LEO (July 23 - August 23):
Ah, one of the seven princes of Hell, the all-powerful Asmodeus, banging a drum in a red hat with his genitals exposed? Smells like a Leo happy hour to me.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):
If this guy was living in 2019, his tattoos would tell us he's mumble-rapping hard on Soundcloud right now. But according to the actual description, it seems that this is some version of Astaroth, known as the Great Duke of Hell in the first hierarchy with Beelzebub and Lucifer. He was particularly invested in accruing power, and as any Virgo would tell you, preparedness, organization, and adherence to ritual are the three major building blocks to success. This is a #LeanIn demon, as I live and breathe. Look at that chicken!
LIBRA (September 23 - October 23):
Libras are all about balance and aesthetics, and those tenets are nowhere better articulated than in this sterling portrayal of Dagol, Prince of Darkness. Holding a juicy human limb in each hand, he snacks away with impunity, savoring all that scrumptious flesh umami without rushing the process.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):
Throwing two men into an open grave while pissing on their only light source? That's just an early morning workout for the average Scorpio. Don't mention the chicken-head issue, though; they're working diligently on their skincare routine and the Retinol is helping, I swear.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 22):
So, I was about to describe Sagittarians as "devil-may-care"," and then I was like... oh. Right, a little on the nose. Speaking of noses, that's a kind of a weird kebab, huh? Also, do any of these folks have pants?
CAPRICORN (December 21 - January 21):
So, Capricorns are the undisputed originators of FOMO, and this misdirected snake hag openly coveting her neighbor's new iPhone while her helpful devil friend attempts to redirect her to the therapist's office typifies winter babies to a T.
AQUARIUS (January 22 - February 20):
Aquarians love to stand out, march to the beat of their own drummers, and assume responsibilities only they can perfect. What better vocation for these individualistic denizens of the zodiac then Animal Protector of Hell? You even get a little shell shielf!
PISCES (February 19 - March 20):
Last, but certainly not least, we come to our watery Pisces brethren, and I can't help but assign them to this incredible and super realistic portrait of Beezlebub, the actual, entire devil, who apparently looks like a drunk guy who tries to hit on you on a train platform but backs out half-way through because he has nothing to say.
Happy Halloween, darlings!